GRACE

Truth is a fairy tale. It’s has taken me some time to figure that out. Its occurred with that sudden twist that I cannot discuss here. [One is as much as one conceals as one reveals.]
The old man is definitely the best script writer ever. You can never be sure what your next moment is going to be like. “The twist” as I call it.

This twist is a bit too close for comfort. I can understand His sense of humor though it’s a bit hideous. The joke is on me and am still smiling for if that is His will then why come in His way.

It’s an incestuous world. Trust me. However much we may think otherwise, we are all blood brothers/sisters. And all of a sudden I look at my life and realize that it looks like a Manmohan Desai blockbuster. So much happening with your knowledge and so much without. The only consolation is that I know it will end well. All his films do.

I think over the past one year I have become an extremely good actor. The Director’s actor. I have left everything in His hands and am performing brilliantly. I do exactly what he dictates. Never question Him. And if I have a doubt, I ask Him. He doesn’t say much but suddenly I find my answer within that question!

So, she is alive and kicking I understand. And thankfully it’s not my butt. Four years down the lane and its seems like eons have passed. Did we last meet at The Last Supper?
I am sure she would be the only person who would understand that subtle nuance.

I am surprised that I haven’t missed her though. I believe her absence was essential for acquiring a certain wisdom. The good old Ghalibsaab[Assadullah Khan Ghalib,the Urdu poet] stated famously-“ Ye ishq nahin asaan bas itna samajh lijiye..ek aag ka dariya hai aur doob kar jaana hai.” He was right on target. Love is a fire that burns you. If it doesn’t then, trust me, it is definitely not love.

Four years after she said those words that still keeps my fire burning; I have finally learnt to love. The test was sometimes a journey through hell [ though am not that sure about what hell is like!] but today I can say with honor that I have passed it with flying colors. I have earned the privilege to love. It is definitely my greatest achievement. A pride that swells up my chest.

He smiles. He always does. And from Him I have learned to smile too. He keeps on telling me that I give Him too much credit but then as I told Him the other day who else can I give credit to. The way to bliss is through the door of acceptance. Surrender, as I have mentioned before somewhere, does not mean defeat. Sometimes it’s the victory that you are seeking all your life.

And this lesson is something she taught me. My absentee teacher.

LOVE

My friends hate her. And they get more agitated when I defend her. “She betrayed you.” “ She played with your feelings.” “ She cannot be trusted.” Their perception of her is of someone who is my enemy number 1.

I defend her all the time. Sometimes it even makes me wonder why? Everything that my friends say did happen. Then why am I so protective of her? If I let my head rule my heart, will I see her like my friends do?

So one day I put her in the witness box and let my head prosecute her. And every time I did that my heart would come up with a brilliant defense. After a while I simply ended this futile exercise. I understood there was no way my head could win over my heart.

I remember one of my friends asking me a few days later-“ What were you thinking Rajiv when you fell in love with her?”. My answer surprised me too.

“ I wasn’t thinking at all.” –I said.

We continued drinking but my mind was busy trying to find the source of this answer. In the last three years most of my conversation about her has happened within me. For after a point my friends understood that she was not a topic to be discussed with me.

“ It’s a waste of energy, waste of time, too many words…” – They said.

The answer to my answer came to me many days later. It was simple. And I felt a tear smiling in my eyes.

“ She is my purest expression of love.” I gave words to my thought. “ As pure as I was before my umbilical cord was cut off.”

I found myself smiling in a mall. My uncle wanted to see the new house I had bought and I was waiting for him there.

“ She doesn’t even remember you.” – A friend had said to me a couple of days earlier.

“ Love and memory are two different things.” – I had replied.

And frankly it doesn’t bother me if she remembers me at all. After all she is human and not my PC!