Its her birthday tomorrow and my mind is blank. For days I have been planning to write a poem for her. But in the midst of writing a script on a boy’s loss of innocence and an adulterous woman and her paramour, I have yet to write a single word for her.
I have not been in touch with her for more than twenty five[25] months now. Quite simply because I do not have her phone number. It is still a wonder to me that even after three years of not even having a glimpse of her, I still have an enormous amount of love for her. I often wonder if this love will consume me!
Strangely, in a sense I have moved on. I know she is seeing someone. And she is happy with him. So be it!
Five months since I have moved into my new home, I have also sort of become a hermit. I hardly walk out of the house without any reason. I spend the whole day with myself and feel happy. I watch the world from my window and meditate. The chaos outside brings an element of silence within me.
Once a while I enact a scene with her. [I know this could be termed as schizophrenia but somehow I have it under total control. I can switch it on and off whenever I want!] The scene could be anything from accidentally meeting her at a friend’s party or meeting her at a coffee shop or a premiere to even changing a past episode according to the present moment’s convenience. Strange mind games! But games that help me in my creativity.
Through out my blog, in almost all my post, there is a mention of her.In the same way, consciously or sub consciously, she has become a part of my very being in everything I do.
The most beautiful aspect of this love has been that it has opened my heart. I can feel other’s pain and sorrow and participate in it. I feel as if everyone’s pain is my own. Their happiness too. Its as if the whole world has become my family. There are moments when I get so in depth with some person’s emotions that I become them. Like feeling their loneliness. Their vulnerability. Their insecurities. Their madness. Their joy.
I live alone and I cherish my loneliness. I am at peace. I do not know how but somehow I have reached a zone . A zone where I get emotional/sensitive enough, yet at the same time there is a certain detachment.[My friend Sachin prophesized about this about me years ago. At that time I hadn’t understood him or myself.]
I do only what I must. I never force myself to do anything. I have finally found peace by surrendering. Acceptance is Godliness. Acceptance of/to one’s own nature.
So this birthday, my dear little princess, there is no song or a poem. Merely a wish that you have a great time and find happiness and solace like I have found mine.
happy birthday to you...S
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